“Mom, my feet smell like glue.”

It takes Keegan, my 7 year-old, a ridiculously long time to get ready to get in the shower.  This blog post is the true story of 40 minutes of my life from last night that I will never get back.

Every night, he strips naked and sits on the toilet.  FOREVER.   (I have actually caught him lounging on the toilet.  I didn’t know this was possible.  Leaning back, feet up on the wall…just completely and totally relaxed.)

Last night, I see him sitting on the toilet, naked, inspecting his feet.  I go into our bedroom, leaving him to do his thing.  This is the actual conversation that followed:

Keegan: “Mom, my feet smell like glue.”

Me: “Why?”

Keegan: “Because I just smelled them.”

Me: “No. WHY do they smell like GLUE?”

Keegan: “Because of my socks.”

Me: “I don’t think you’re understanding my question.  Why GLUE?”

Keegan: “Well, I went outside with no shoes on, REMEMBER?”

(I take a deep breath.  I soldier on.)

Me: “GLUE, Keegan.  WHY…GLUE?  Were you walking in glue, playing in glue, have you done anything with glue today?”

Keegan: “No.  But I was trimming those leaves outside with my scissors.”  (This is completely true.  He came inside, asked me for scissors, I said “for what?” he said “to trim the leaves,” I said “okay” while thinking “what the hell?”)

Me: “Um.  Okay.  Still not getting the connection with GLUE.”

Keegan: “Well…the leaves kind of smelled like glue.”

I just…I don’t even…I’m done with the glue conversation.  And, have I mentioned this entire conversation took place while he was sitting on the toilet, taking a crap?  And smelling his feet?

Moving on.

After he does his business, he brushes his teeth.  Or…that’s what is supposed to happen.  Simple, right?  Should only take a few minutes, RIGHT?

After asking Keegan to stop playing with the balloon in the play room (while naked, of course) and BRUSH HIS TEETH, I look in the bathroom and realize he still hasn’t done it, even though he is standing at the sink, toothbrush in hand.

Me: “Keegan, WHAT is taking you so LONG?”

Keegan: “What do you mean?  To brush my teeth?”

Me: “YYYYYYYYES!”

Keegan (giggling): “I knew that was the answer.”

(Deeeeeeep breath.)

Several minutes later, he has finally brushed his teeth.  But, he is still standing at the sink, toothbrush in hand, water running.

Me: “Seriously.  WHAT are you DOING?”

Keegan: “The holes in the sink are dirty.”

Me: “What holes?”

Keegan: “These ones….there.  NOW they’re clean.”

OH.  GOOD.  GOD.

Me: “Wait.  Did you just scrub the inside of those holes with your TOOTHBRUSH?”

Keegan: “Yes.”

I walked away.  I had to.  For both of us.

A few minutes later, I came back into the bathroom to see if he’s FINALLY ready to get in the shower.

I see this:

Me: “Keegan.  WHAT is THIS?”

Keegan: “Um.  Q-tips.”

Me: “How did this happen?”

Keegan: “Well, I was trying to clean my ears but instead of cleaning my ears, I pulled all the ends off the Q-tips.”

I calmly asked him to please throw away the mess, throw away his sink-cleaning toothbrush while he’s at it, and to let me know when he’s done.

40 minutes later, my son is ready to get in the shower, I’m significantly lower on Q-tips, the holes in my sink are sparkling clean, and my leaves that smell like glue are all trimmed up.

And now, moms with boys, it’s time for my mantra that helps me get through times like these:

Pause, take a deeeeeep breath, and repeat after me:

He will never get a period…he will never get a period…he will never get a period…

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10 thoughts on ““Mom, my feet smell like glue.”

  1. absolutely hilarious! Make sure to put this one in the book you write, you will make millions! I have one of these boys age 9 and my girl is 12 and I have to deal with her acting like shes gonna get her period for the last 3 years. So I have to deal with both. I can only imagine if you did have a girl and you wrote about her PMS! You are so witty and such a good mom Anne!!

  2. I love opening my e-mail and finding a post by you. I like to read a lot, but I don’t follow a lot of blogs. Mostly because they are usually written by stay at home moms whose husbands make too much money. They go on and on to say how wonderful their children are and that their lives are perfect. They were able to nurse for over a year and explain how this or whatever they are doing is the ONLY way, they go shopping on a random Tuesday while their child was in some Kindermusic class that is not offered in my small little town, and they just seem so out of touch with my, what I call normal, life. The reason I love to read your blog so much is because it is so relate-able. Almost anything you write about could happen in my house any night of the week. My son is just a little bit younger than yours, so it is almost like looking into a crystal ball.

  3. From another mom of another loungey pooper who waves his toothbrush before the mirror of 20 minutes before putting it into his mouth, thank you for pointing out the hilarity in our sons’ bizarre behavior. I will borrow your mantra (attributed appropriately of course) tomorrow morning at 7:30. You rock!

  4. As the mom of the boys, I say that mantra often. As I step in pee and on tiny Legos and yell about general hygiene issues. My 10 yr old has decided that the bathroom is where he gets his nightly reading assignments done. And then makes faces at himself in the shower. And then gets in the shower and forgets to wash his hair.
    Repeating the mantra again…

  5. Ok, this is my son exactly! Naked and random crap with feet, etc. He is high functioning ASD and does the same kind of stuff… I also post on my blog about our random experiences as well. There is NEVER a dull moment.

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