The Toothpaste Chronicles

Those of you that know me…you had to know this blog post was coming eventually, right?  Okay, I know what you’re thinking: “Seriously.  This woman HAS to stop talking about toothpaste.  We’ve heard it already.  Isn’t she beating a dead horse?”

Well…YES.  The dead toothpaste horse is being beaten AGAIN.

And honestly, I really hadn’t planned on writing a blog post about my toothpaste frustrations.  I THOUGHT I had learned to just let it go.  Don’t sweat the small stuff.  I THOUGHT I could follow my own advice from a few blog posts ago: just frickin laugh.  Until today.  When I was cleaning the bathroom and found toothpaste UNDER THE TOILET SEAT.  I just…I don’t understand, you guys.  How does this HAPPEN?  I feel like I’m starting to have the mindset of a detective.  I want to set up a hidden camera in the bathroom and go over the footage.  “Ohhhh…THAT’S how he got it all over his shin.”  (Yep.  HIS SHIN.)

Okay.  I consider myself to be a fairly laid back mom.  I have a decent sense of humor.  I’m able to let a lot of the little things go, the just-let-them-be-kids type of stuff.  Hell, I didn’t get upset when my son said “frickin” at school.  I walked out of the room and laughed when I found him with his sock on his penis.  I chuckled when I found him wearing nothing but ear buds and a smile while listening to music.

And not very many things truly gross me out.  I won’t be writing The Poop Monologues or The Booger Diaries.  I’ve witnessed sneezes that would make some people vomit.  I’ve STEPPED in a pile of poop and unfortunately had flip-flops on at the time.  I’ve watched my son spit up on my husband’s face (now that was just plain side-splitting FUNNY).  I’ve had PILES of snot smeared on my shirt.

Which is why it might seem odd to some that TOOTHPASTE is one thing that really makes me cringe.  I’m not kidding.  I have NEVER left a spot of it in the sink.  If my husband would have been the type to leave globs of toothpaste in the sink…well…let’s just say, it could have been a deal breaker.

I have found toothpaste in the following locations:  on top of the toilet (and now UNDER the toilet lid), on the wall, on the mirror, on the sink handles, on the floor boards, on my son’s legs, on my son’s BUTT (I really don’t know.  Maybe he wanted it to smell minty fresh?), on the kleenex box, on the light switch, AND…on the top of his sock (just to name a few).

Do you think it’s weird that I take pictures of it?  Probably.  (But it shouldn’t necessarily come as a surprise.  It’s pretty common knowledge that I’m a little weird.)  Why do I do it?  A couple reasons: 1) I don’t think he’ll believe me when I tell him about his toothpaste deficiencies later in life, and 2) the psychologists that will eventually be assigned to my case NEED to have a visual.

I have been told by a couple of friends to get used to it.  It never gets better.  I believe them.  That actually gave me comfort knowing it’s not just my son.  It also made me weep for the future.


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