I don’t know when I first realized it, but at a certain point in the last seven years, since I became a mom, I became acutely aware that there are sentences that come out of my mouth that I never thought I would say. EVER. Sometimes, it makes me stop dead in my tracks and say to myself “Oh dear GOD, did I just say that out loud?”
Nothing prepares you for being a parent. You can read all the textbooks ever published about “what to expect,” and I bet NONE of them tell you, “Do not be alarmed if you find yourself saying absolutely absurd things. That comes with parenthood.” So, just for fun, I compiled a list of things that I have actually said out loud (sometimes more than once, sometimes in public, sometimes getting strange looks, sometimes getting laughter from strangers):
- Please get your underwear off your head and get in the shower.
- How did you get toothpaste on the wall?
- Please get your sock off your penis and get in the shower.
- Stop using your hair as a napkin.
- How did you get toothpaste on the toilet?
- Yes, Keegan, you can have my iPhone when I die.
- No. Mario and Luigi do not live in Omaha.
- WHY are your initials on pieces of scotch tape all over the house and furniture?
- Did you really just wipe your nose on the couch?
- How did you get toothpaste on your sock?
- That wasn’t burping, Keegan. That was called throwing up.
- Why is your shoe in the sink?
- No. You didn’t get enough money from the Easter Bunny to buy us a new couch.
- Why is my slipper in the toilet?
- I don’t know if you can have your dad’s sunglasses when he dies. You’ll have to ask him.
- No. You may not have Pez for breakfast.
- YES, you DO have to wash your hands even if you “only went pee.”
- How did you get toothpaste on your BUTT?
- No. Germany is not in Nebraska.
- You’re not going to find Omaha on a picture of the solar system.
- Is that a rock or a turd on my carpet?
- After you wipe, please JUST PUT IT IN THE TOILET. It’s not a basketball, and the toilet lid is not a backboard.
- Yes. Your brother can play with your balls.
- The roll of toilet paper is not a bowling ball. Please put it back.
- Those are called tampons…you don’t need to know what they’re for…PUT THEM BACK IN MY PURSE.
- Yes, we DO need beer. Thanks for reminding me, Keegan.
If you have said ANYTHING from the above list, we have something in common.
If you have said NOTHING from the above list…can I come over sometime? I bet your house is really quiet.
If you have said EVERYTHING from the above list, our sons should meet. They could be the best of friends.