Moms Say the Darndest Things

I don’t know when I first realized it, but at a certain point in the last seven years, since I became a mom, I became acutely aware that there are sentences that come out of my mouth that I never thought I would say.  EVER.  Sometimes, it makes me stop dead in my tracks and say to myself “Oh dear GOD, did I just say that out loud?”

Nothing prepares you for being a parent.  You can read all the textbooks ever published about “what to expect,” and I bet NONE of them tell you, “Do not be alarmed if you find yourself saying absolutely absurd things.  That comes with parenthood.”  So, just for fun, I compiled a list of things that I have actually said out loud (sometimes more than once, sometimes in public, sometimes getting strange looks, sometimes getting laughter from strangers):

  • Please get your underwear off your head and get in the shower.
  • How did you get toothpaste on the wall?
  • Please get your sock off your penis and get in the shower.
  • Stop using your hair as a napkin.
  • How did you get toothpaste on the toilet?
  • Yes, Keegan, you can have my iPhone when I die.
  • No.  Mario and Luigi do not live in Omaha.
  • WHY are your initials on pieces of scotch tape all over the house and furniture?
  • Did you really just wipe your nose on the couch?
  • How did you get toothpaste on your sock?
  • That wasn’t burping, Keegan.  That was called throwing up.
  • Why is your shoe in the sink?
  • No.  You didn’t get enough money from the Easter Bunny to buy us a new couch.
  • Why is my slipper in the toilet?
  • I don’t know if you can have your dad’s sunglasses when he dies.  You’ll have to ask him.
  • No.  You may not have Pez for breakfast.
  • YES, you DO have to wash your hands even if you “only went pee.”
  • How did you get toothpaste on your BUTT?
  • No.  Germany is not in Nebraska.
  • You’re not going to find Omaha on a picture of the solar system.
  • Is that a rock or a turd on my carpet?
  • After you wipe, please JUST PUT IT IN THE TOILET.  It’s not a basketball, and the toilet lid is not a backboard.
  • Yes.  Your brother can play with your balls.
  • The roll of toilet paper is not a bowling ball.  Please put it back.
  • Those are called tampons…you don’t need to know what they’re for…PUT THEM BACK IN MY PURSE.
  • Yes, we DO need beer.  Thanks for reminding me, Keegan.

If you have said ANYTHING from the above list, we have something in common.

If you have said NOTHING from the above list…can I come over sometime?  I bet your house is really quiet.

If you have said EVERYTHING from the above list, our sons should meet.  They could be the best of friends.


6 thoughts on “Moms Say the Darndest Things

  1. hahaha….don’t know that i could pick just one of my favorites from that fine list, anne 🙂 i don’t have kids to say stuff like that to, but say ridiculous things to/in front of my students all the time. my all-time dumbest thing is to ask a student who has just told me “no,” “do you say ‘no’ to the teacher?” “way to set that kid up for a lose-lose situation, lindsay” i always think to myself after it slips out of my mouth 🙂

    • Yes, Lindsay, I thought about compiling a list of things I say as a teacher too, but this list seemed long enough on its own. Maybe the teacher list will be a whole separate post. 🙂

  2. Anne
    I have to agree with the unusual things that a parent never knew they would ever say let alone how often! Flip it to comments with three girls and especially my Hailey with High Functioning Austism and ADHD. We often even in times of frustration crack ourselves up with the odd things we come up with in the moment. I love that you take the time to share your moments, it makes being a parent of a child with Autism a lot more lighthearted and not as overwhelming. Thanks for sharing, you crack me up often!

  3. “Yes, you may have ketchup with your apple slices, you little freak.”
    “It’s 1am, you do not NEED pop (or ketchup).”
    “Stop pulling on your penis so hard…you’re going to want it someday.” (Rob actually said this, not me).

    • Okay, I’m going to have to remember that last one. But I will make my hubby say it because I’ve told him all issues that are penis-related are going straight to him. (Hooray for no girls and bras and periods!)

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